Newgan: someone new to veganism. Just made this word up but, hey, I love this person. It takes a lot to switch to a brand new diet/lifestyle and I respect that. However, more than anything, newgans just say the cutest things sometimes. In honor of all the new vegans out there, here is my list of adorable things new vegans say:
1. “Look what I found at the grocery store! Silk makes vegan eggnog?!?!” Silk has been putting eggnog on the shelves every winter since the mid-2000s. All those people who became vegan in July? Yep, they are just now pooping their leather-free pants over the vegan egg nog. As if their family will have this on hand at the family Christmas party. We all can dream, right?
2. “Some guy asked me where I get my protein. Don’t people realize beans are a good source of protein?” No. No one realizes this. You will be asked about your protein intake once each week by a random person for the rest of your life. Good luck.
3. “Just found out not all wine is vegan. Hashtag sadface.” Totally true statement. And it takes newgans one year and three months to discover this on average. Takes three additional minutes for Google-savvy newgan to discover Barnivore.com and yet another three minutes for Newgan to fall completely in love with Barnivore.
4. “What are some vegan options at Applebees?” There aren’t any. Enjoy your meal. Just kidding. They have a grilled chicken caesar salad and if you get it without the cheese, chicken, dressing, or croutons… then it’s vegan. It’s delicious.
5. “I went vegan for the animals yet when I eat animal crackers, I still bite the heads off first.” We all do.
6. “Going on a road trip to West Virginia. Just ‘happycowed’ some options. Can’t decide between the Indian or Chinese restaurant…” Every time I have used HappyCow.net for ideas when traveling in a remote area (sorry, West Virginians), it returns a handful of ethnic restaurants. Newgans love Happy Cow but the love wears off quickly when you realize that none of your travel buddies want to try China Wok in West Virginia (true story) or even that cool vegan place in Soho (also a true story).
7. “Tired of getting The Veggie Burger at every restaurant.” This is your new life. Learn now that you should never get tired of veggie burgers and this will make your life much easier.
8. “Dreading my first vegan thanksgiving with my meat-obsessed family.” You should be. Thank God (and Seitan) for my vegetarian family thanksgivings. I don’t know how the rest of you do it.
9. “Day one of my cat’s new vegan diet!” Do tigers eat kale? No. Feed your cat meat and fish. Yes, it feels very hypocritical but Richard Parker will thank you for this (yes, I talked to someone today with a cat named Richard Parker. Best. Cat name. Ever.).
10. “Loving this vegan juice cleanse!” Tell me how many days you last until your hand ends up wedged deep in a bag of potato chips. For me it wasn’t days. It was 2 hours and 17 minutes.
That list just about sums up how cute vegans are at this age. The cutest thing I ever said when starting out? “Is peanut butter vegan?” Precious. I was seriously concerned and also very relieved when Mr. Google confirmed that I can eat peanut butter. How did new vegans survive before the days of the internet? That’s a question only old vegans can answer.