The Lacto-Ovo-Pescatarian-Social-Meat-Eater

I love you like a pescatarian loves the idea of being called a vegetarian.

It’s a new year and everyone wants to change for the better. Diet is always the first resolution that comes to mind this time of year. When it comes to diets, there are a million different types even just within the world of veganism. I’ve put together a list of the different types accompanied by links for additional information on select topics. Here we go!

  • The Meat Eater: The “cool” guy at the barbecue who knows how to marinate steak. The one who always tells you, “I could never live without meat. It tastes too good.”
  • The Meatless Monday Fan: The forward-thinking mother who convinces her family to give up meat 52 days out of the year. The other 86% of time is spent consuming pork chops, chicken alfredo, and beef tacos. It’s important to make up for the “lack of protein” from Monday somehow.
  • Social Meat Eater: The socialite who cuts back on meat at home but still eats meat when everyone else is doing it or when it’s convenient. There are just too many wings served at tailgating parties. Who could possibly choose to eat the carrots and chips instead?
  • The Transitioning Vegetarian or “Flexitarian”: A meat eater who eats a limited amount of meat. They get a pat on the back and two gold stars.
  • Semi-Vegetarian: Bacon is the primary reason for this category’s existence.
  • Pesce-Pollo Vegetarian: This person eats fish and chicken…. We are clearly not at the definition of “vegetarian” yet. Keep reading.
  • Pollo Vegetarian: A “vegetarian” who eats chicken, turkey, duck and other poultry items. This chicken eater also enjoys the occasional polo game. I was in this category for a year before becoming a vegetarian. I didn’t realize this group had a name until today because I always called myself a meat eater during that year. Wasn’t I a meat eater? Oh, well.
  • Pescatarian: The infamous fish eater. They often refer to themselves as vegetarian because we all know fish aren’t real animals so they don’t count.
  • Unicornitarian: A person whose diet is similar to fish eaters. They also only eat animals that aren’t real.
  • Vegetarians: This over-arching term applies to people who “might not eat meat at breakfast today but we’ll see.” It is typically an abused and misused term. In a strict sense, it applies to people who do not eat meat including beef, poultry, pork, and fish.
  • Lacto-Ovo Vegetarian: A strict vegetarian who drinks boob waste from domesticated animals including but not limited to goats, cows, monkeys, and golden retrievers. These vegetarians also eat menstruation from chickens because it makes total sense and smells delicious when scrambled. No meat or fish products are included in the diet.
  • Nutrient-Deficient Vegetarian or Junk Food Vegetarian: The vegetarian who eats brownies, ice cream, and Oreo’s…. for dinner. Hey, it’s vegetarian, right?! Healthy! No.
  • Gelatin Eating Vegetarian: A vegetarian who eats gelatin. I’ll admit I was in this category for a while. I never ate meat but I would ingest medicine with gelatin in it on occasion. And by “medicine,” I mean marshmallows.
  • Lacto-Vegetarian: A vegetarian who does not eat eggs but consumes milk products.
  • Ovo-Vegetarian: A vegetarian who eats eggs but does not consume milk products.
  • Beegan: A vegan who eats honey because bees, just like fish and unicorns, are not real animals.
  • Dietary Vegan: A term that describes individuals who do not consume animal products through food or beverage.
  • Fruitarian: A vegan who eats only fruits or foods that can be harvested without hurting the plant. I thought this was a joke when I first heard it mentioned in the movie Notting Hill but apparently it exists.
  • Gleegan: A vegan who follows a gluten-free diet and watches the TV show Glee on repeat.
  • Strict Dietary and Lifestyle Vegan: This individual does not eat any animal products including fish, poultry, beef, pork, dairy, eggs, honey, or gelatin. This vegan also doesn’t use products that include animal products or products that harm animals.
  • Raw Vegan: The elite vegan who doesn’t cook their food above 118 degrees because I can never remember why. Something about wasted energy from cooking and lost nutrients in the food. I’m obviously not at this point yet but we all can dream.
  • Leather Vegan: A vegan who doesn’t eat animal products but still wears animal skins. It’s just animal skin so that’s better because… no wait, that’s worse.
  • Organic Whole Food Vegan: A strict vegan who only eats whole, organic produce. This vegan can often be spotted pulling their reusable shopping bags out of the trunk of their Prius in the Whole Foods parking lot. What a trendsetter!
  • Fur-Wearing Vegan: Does this person exist? I guess if Kim Kardashian becomes vegan then she can form this new group.
  • Zoo Vegan: This vegan consumes a vegan diet yet makes not-so-Peta-friendly choices when it comes to entertainment. Circuses are a no-no for me but zoos I can’t make up my mind on. The line between zoo and wildlife preservation is too blurry. Who’s to say Farm Sanctuary isn’t a type of zoo? This organization rescues animals from factory farms and allows them to roam and frolic. I have to support some zoo-type environments then, right? Just the good “zoos.”
  • Cosmetic Vegan: An individual who eats a vegan diet but uses questionable beauty products. Checking ingredients on food is exhausting enough. Checking ingredients on shaving cream? Oh, good lord. And you don’t always know if it was tested on animals. This is a tough one to be strict on but it’s important to read labels when possible. I do my best but slip ups can happen easily here (Hello, Ellen DeGeneres’s Cover Girl commercials).
  • Vegan Mammal Who Lives in Trees, is Hairy, and Eats a Lot of Bananas: Also known as chimpanzees. The holy-grail of all vegans. Doesn’t put on make up, wear leather, drink cow’s milk, eat yogurt, know what yogurt is, or drive a car. Really the ultimate goal for all vegans. But basically unattainable. Who wants to live in a tree with a bunch of adorable monkeys? I do. But I digress.

What type are you? Did I miss any? It’s pathetic, isn’t it? We are supposed to be considerate of our health, environment, and animals yet we throw someone under the bus when they announce they completed Meatless Monday. “You went meatless for a day? Wow. I did that once. For 400 Mondays straight plus the days in between Monday and Monday.” For anyone transitioning to a plant-based diet, good job. Keep it up. For those of you who are unicornitarians, please Google “nearby psychiatric hospital” for assistance. And Happy New Year to you all!

Where Do I Get My Protein?!

It’s funny because it is so terribly true. In order to appreciate the vegan diet and benefit from it, you must be excessively educated on nutrition and health. How else could you possibly get yourself into this kale-infested mess of a lifestyle? However, select omnivores magically transform into registered dieticians when in the presence of a vegan. If you are eating breaded pork tenderloin with waffle fries and I am eating the hummus sandwich with steamed broccoli, then please tell me about nutrition. I am dying to know your secrets to preventing weight loss.

Of course, I am not perfect either. I can eat coconut milk ice cream like a champ and I often feign surprise when tater tots show up on my plate. “Did I order those? I thought I got the fruit cup… Oh no, no need to take it back. I guess I’ll eat them. Can you pass the salt?” In general, I am pretty close to healthy. Ok, fine. I’ll admit vodka happens sometimes, too. My typical vodka-induced response when asked where I get my protein: Where do you get your fiber? I’d love to provide you with some great sources of fiber except… I have to poop. I’ll be right back.